Ranch wife 101
1. Always load your horse last in the trailer so it is the first one
unloaded. By the time he's got his horse unloaded, you will have your
cinch pulled and be mounted up ready to go - lessening the chance of him
riding off without you with your horse trying to follow while you are
still trying to get your foot in the stirrup.
2. Never - and I repeat never - ever believe the phrase "We'll be right
back," when he has asked you to help him do something out on the ranch.
The echoing words, "this will only take a little while" have filtered
through generations of ranch wives and still today should invoke sincere
distrust in the woman who hears them.
3. Always know there is NO romantic intention when he pleadingly asks you
to take a ride in the pickup with him around the ranch while he checks
waters and looks at cattle. What that sweet request really means is he
wants someone to open the gates.
4. He will always expect you to quickly be able to find one stray in a
four-section brush-covered pasture, but he will never be able to find the
mayonnaise jar in four-square feet of refrigerator.
5. Count every head of everything you see - cattle especially, but
sometimes horses, deer, quail or whatever moves. Count it in the gate, out
the gate or on the horizon. The first time you don't count is when he will
have expected that you did. That blank eyelash-batting look you give him
when he asks "How many?" will not be acceptable.
6. Know that you will never be able to ride a horse or drive a pickup to
suit him. Given the choice of jobs, choose throwing the feed off the back
of the pickup. If he is on the back and you are driving, the opportunity
for constant criticism of speed, ability and your eyesight will be
utilized to the full extent. "How in the *@*# could you NOT see that
7. Never let yourself be on foot in the alley when he is sorting cattle
horseback. When he has shoved 20 head of running, bucking, kicking
yearlings at you and then hollers "Hold 'em, hold 'em" at the top of his
lungs, don't think that you really can do it without loss of life or limb
. Contrary to what he will lead you to believe, walking back to the house
is always an option that has been used throughout time.
8. Don't expect him to correctly close the snap-on tops on the plastic
refrigerator containers, but know he will expect you to always close every
gate. His reasoning, the cows will get out; the food will not.
9. Always praise him when he helps in the kitchen - the very same way he
does when you help with the ranch work - or not.
10. Know that when you step out of the house you move from the "wife"
department to "hired hand" status. Although the word "hired" indicates
there will be a paycheck that you will never see, rest assured you will
have job security. The price is just right. And most of the time you will
be "the best help he has" even if it is because you are the ONLY help he